Change is Coming

Ok, I realized this last month that I am well on my way to an empty nest. I have launched my second daughter into higher education, leaving me with one at home. Let me tell you; it comes like a bat out of hell, like greased lightening, like a blue streak. I don’t like it. Don’t get me wrong. My beautiful, lovely, independent, daughter’s are prepared and ready to fly. It is me who is having a hard time with it all.

Growing up in the 70’s in a “working family,” I fully understood my parent’s expectation of me. Get a job; get married. The idea of going to college was a somewhere-out-there concept that was for other people, not me. The high school I attended was one of the largest high school campuses in the U.S., Plymouth/Canton High School in Michigan. At the time, the campus housed two High Schools; Salem and Canton. It now has built a third building and boasts to be the second largest high school campus in the States.

I did not thrive in this environment and did not have the academic ground work or ambition to pursue anything more than what was expected of me. I’m not having a pity-party. I did exactly what I wanted. I got married and had a family. Like most little girls I dreamed of the day when I would have children. I chose names for them; I imagined what they would look like and how they would act. Just like me, only better, I was sure. I saw families together and romanticized about what my little family would look like and what kind of mother I would be.

So, naturally when that day came, I put my whole heart into this little life. There was no turning back. She was going to get all of me. She became my ambition, my full time job. I have never regretted it. Obviously, when two more children were added to the equation, priorities changed and life got a bit more hectic and routine. But, I still wanted my girls to know that their lives were going to be better than mine and that the reason I was putting so much of my focus into their lives was because I had higher expectations of them than my parents had of me. I couldn’t parent any other way. This isn’t to say that everyone has to mother the way I have; I just couldn’t have done it any other way and be content.

I tried working full-time when the girls were little, once. It was a disaster. Life lesson # 1; don’t let parenting experts or society's expectations dictate what you ought to do. It was important for me to accept the fact that I wanted to stay home, and not feel the pressure to “do it all.” In the end I came to realize that I really didn’t have it in me to do it all, and I really didn’t want to, and that was alright.

As the girls got older and started developing interests of their own, my husband and I became busy with attending dance recitals, PTA meetings, helping with school carnivals, fundraising and athletic events. Really, this is just a very short list of activities and events I have poured my heart into over the years…really. I know this isn’t novel. Most parents engage in their children’s lives this way. The point is this; it takes time out of your life to raise happy, healthy, ambitions and responsible children.

This is what I tell my daughters. I tell them that my hope for them is by the time the are 25 they are spiritually, physically, emotionally, and financially healthy. This doesn’t mean they have to be out of debt, fully self-actualized, and never needing anything, it just means by giving them “permission” to take time now to figure out life, provides them with the ground work they need for a successful future.

So, back to my dilemma. I am well on my way to an empty nest. I’m trying to embrace this thought. I think my husband has embraced, grabbed, pulled, clutched, seized….and ran with the idea already. I am lagging behind. What am I going to do with my time? No more vocal concerts and recitals. Jessica, my oldest, with her beautiful voice has been providing this activity for years. Even up through her freshman year in college we were attending concerts at the University of Northern Iowa to see her sing. And, Isabelle has followed her big sister, into choir and high school musicals. For 15 years I have been attending some sort of athletic event. Anna played soccer for 13 years, volleyball for 6 and ran track for 2. Isabelle, too, has kept the volleyball bug alive in our home, as well as playing varsity tennis. So, I ask again, what am I going to do? Believe it or not I began working full-time this year, so that will take up some of my empty nest time. I just read in the paper about a crochet class that is being held at the Centre for Arts and Artists. Maybe I’ll try that. If you have other ideas please let me know because my husband and daughter are beginning to get annoyed at me. I’ve even lowered myself to bribing Isabelle with a new suped-up apartment in the basement if she promises to stay and live at home. Not surprisingly she has refused.

Verna Christopher

verna@pcpartner.net